I love this season, from October 1st to January 1st its my favorite time of the year. The world just seems happier plus the cooling weather ( sweaters, leggings, boots! Yay!). But in the days between Christmas Day and New Years Eve I always find time to be reflective. Have I accomplished what I set out to do last year? The answer is no I never do, but I get wrapped up in the hope of the new year that this year will be different I will complete that resolution I didn’t complete in 2019, that I meant to complete in 2018, and in 2017, and 2016 and so on.
Honestly, I’ve had the same resolution since 2009 that I was planning in 2010. Now a decade has past and I am 10 years older and never completed the resolution of losing weight (so cliché). If my New Years resolution was to gain weight I would have accomplished that 10 folds. Now here I am again thinking to myself, this year I’m going to do it but a little voice in my head whispers you’re not though, you’ll probably gain weight again. I hate that voice. Not only because its negative, but because I also know its right. I probably will.
But with the coming of a new decade I’ve decided I’m doing things a bit differently. Oh I still plan on setting up the resolution of losing weight, but its not going to be my priority. Because when it is I also feel disappointed in myself, so here’s my New Year’s Resolution. I will not let my weight stop me from doing things I want to do.
So often I find myself thinking if I loose 10- 20 lbs then I will do x, y, z. Like with riding, I miss it with my whole being. I miss the excitement of guiding a horse through a course of jumps. The exhilaration of the horse taking off on a particularly challenging obstacle and soaring over it. I miss the peace of grooming a horse, it’s so easy to just loose yourself in the motions of brushing a coat until it gleams. I’ve thought about riding so often so close to looking for lessons at a barn to get that back. But then I remember my boots no longer fit around my calfs. I can’t zip them up, any muscle I had when I was riding regularly has since turned to flab.
Back in the day I had always felt like I was overweight, because I wasn’t a size 2, now I look back and think that girl was an idiot. I was athletic, I had muscles and sure while my stomach didn’t show it, I had core muscles. Now my core is practically non existent. So when I think, yeah I’m going to get back in the saddle even if it will be painful to never ride Pepsi again. I want to ride again. Then I’ll get a glimpse in the mirror or that mean little voice pipes up (you’ll probably break the horse’s back if you do try and climb on) so I’ll sigh and say maybe if I loose some weight then I could ride again.
I’ve decided I’m not going to do this anymore. Yes I want to loose weight and feel healthier and happier. But I’m going to focus on the happier side of it this year. This means, I’m going to ride again. Even if it means buying a new pair of boots. I’m going to go on that camping trip with my friends like I’ve wanted for a while now not just wait until I’m more fit to do it. I’m not going to hide behind the camera as much because I’m ashamed of what I look like. Though I will take that photography class like I’ve wanted. I’m going to write more, work on that novel, work on this blog. I’m done dreaming of a time when I will be happier and healthier. I’ll focus on the happier side of it, and hope the healthier side follows.
Yes I will make healthier choices, I won’t reach for the ice cream when I’ve had a bad day, creating a endless cycle of misery. But I’ll also won’t deny myself either, no more can’t have that its bad food. It’s pizza stop being mean to it, it just has more calories and less nutrition than a salad. I’ll practice more mindful eating, choosing nutrient over cravings but I’ll let myself off the hook if I have something less nutritious.
More then anything though I’m going to kill that little voice that is nothing but negative and realize its not always right. I’ll shift my focus on being more forgiving, braver in some ways and not wait until the perfect moment. Whether that means the perfect size, the perfect moment, I’ll admit to myself that perfect doesn’t exist. I have no doubt this coming year will be challenging and wildly uncomfortable. I will probably be embarrassed a few times, but my hope is that by focusing on being happier and taking chances every now and again. I hope that voice will be silenced and this time next year will be full of memories and laughs. So here’s to a New Year, a New Decade, and a New perspective may it be everything I hope it will be.